PTom Logo

Best Noise Ever

First: an apology. I have several articles in the works, but none that I’ve had the time and concentration to bring to fruition and post. So this is a simple non-sequitor.

Back in the day when Mike and I shared an office, we tried to lighten the effects of stressful duties by taking time now and then for chess (taking a break from thinking to do other thinking – a lot of people didn’t get this). Mike is good, and well read on the subject – he’ll deny this, but only because the volume of works he’s digested on the subject is < 1% of works available on the subject; but this still puts him ahead of 99.025% of the population. And he practices.

It was his interest to cultivate a worthy opponent, someone capable of presenting a challenge for him as he sought to master the various principles he studied. This means he also distilled the theory behind those principles and gave me some excellent tutoring as I tried like mad to keep up. Eventually I learned the subtleties of the playing field beyond the simple list of moves I’d always been aware of prior. Having a patient and skilled opponent was an excellent experience for myself, and I eagerly soaked it up.

So it was that we had a chess table in the office. At first this was a simple pedestal supporting a shallow box with a “3-1” style game board and sundry pieces within to support the same. The set was glass Staunton, attractive and simple. Being on a pedestal, however, and in a fairly small room, it frequently met with casual impact and predictable results. Most if it was inconsequential, a game aborted and pieces scattered. Finally, the shallow tray broke from its column (it was sat on, as someone adopted a squatting stance during conversation unaware of it behind them) and a pawn was decapitated.

It was replaced with a slightly larger de-coupled version – same clear/frosted motif of glass Staunton, but now free-standing. We assembled some decommissioned servers to hold it up, but it wasn’t a terribly good fit (it needed to be on its own as we couldn’t sacrifice the desk space). Eventually we happened upon the perfect item: a Foundry BigIron 8000 Switch (fully populated). This $250,000 (at the time) chunk of hardware was intended to be used by the company after moving to a larger building across the parking lot. While said building was still under construction, the switch was stored in the NOC general office. It was with their blessing that I purloined it for my own use, promising to turn the sensitive bits toward the wall and be very nice to it generally.

And it really was perfect – just the right size for the board and captured pieces on either side, black and somewhat imposing with an overtly technical aire about it. It was also solid enough to be unaffected by a casual bump, and obviously important enough not to receive a hard one.

Times were good, and the chess continued.

Then one day, in walks the CTO. He had apparently not been aware of the storage arrangements I’d made with the NOC, and stopped mid-sentence when he noticed what was serving as our table.

“Is that a…!”

This man is capable of firing off a pretty hefty blue-streak, and did so with such frequency that he liked to make sure incoming candidates in IT could take it. He would burst in during interviews, let something colorful about the current state of operations fly, and violate many an HR clause in the process; solely to ensure that they’d survive there if offered the position later.

In this case, he was speechless. I guess there was a “G” sound from somewhere in his throat near the beginning, and most of the vowels were a derivative of the letter “A”, but that doesn’t adequately describe what came out of him. And it wasn’t just what was said, either – he took an involuntary step backward, eyes widening, face contorting into mortification and grief, and arms raising defensively.

He strode quickly out of the office and utterly refused to set foot in it again while we remained in that building (another six months).

I miss that chess table.


Back

I’ve accepted an offer, and assuming all goes well with the paperwork I’ll be starting on the 29th (right after the Memorial Day holiday). I have the next ~2 weeks to spend with family, and barely a care in the world.

And last night – I resumed work on the book.

Life is good. Better than I deserve.


Updates, generally.

I’m sorry I haven’t been here in a while. I have an excuse, but that always makes the apology seem less sincere, as tough it’s followed on its heels with, “but I shouldn’t have to be.” I’ll tell you what it is anyway. Not to excuse myself, I suppose, but maybe let you know how I’ve been. And I’ll still be sorry.

The writing was a big deal, of course – for some time I was allowing the novel to consume all time not spent at work or tending to family matters. Then we were all hit by The Cold.

For over a month it took its turn rotating through the household, a long incubation followed by a 2 1/2 weeks of progressively miserable symptoms. By the time I personally finished with it, I was tending the afflicted and helping reduce the strain on my dear wife. See, by this time in the year, what with young kids and all, I only had 1 sick day left; we were loathe to use it all up by March or April.

After The Cold, family things seemed to stay busy – even the book began to languish somewhat, which is unfortunate because my health and cognitive outlook have been steadily improving and I’m really in a place now where I could probably make some serious progress. I’m pretty sure I was about to try, rededicate my efforts when the Reduction In Force showed up.

I have nothing disparaging to say about United Online or its various offshoots. They run the company well, the culture and environment are wonderful, and I highly recommend that if ever one has an opportunity to work with or for them, to go for it.

It just so happens that our division is trying to make sales of technology services to consumers at large. The offerings haven’t been appreciably updated in the last 5-6 years, and the web has really grown up around them. Times are tough, revenues are slipping, and that means one or more of the following: find new revenue streams, reduce expenses, tough it out, or quit. They’re trying to see if A & B can help with C.

This happened half-way through April. I’ve been busy with some contract work for a while and really only just beginning the search for new employment when it’s already over; just like that.

I have an offer I’m considering – not a bad one at all – and am hoping to get one more early this week. Regardless, the family is OK, the career is OK, and hopefully writing (novel, journal, and here) will also be OK.

I’ll let you know.


Hypnosis and Trauma

The late Dr. Milton Erickson, a renowned psychiatrist and major innovator in terms of modern hypnotherapeutic theories and practices, once proposed that all learning is acquired in a form of trance. The conscious and unconscious minds align into a state of receptivity and thus of increased suggestibility, ready to accept the incoming information or experience as Fact and Truth. Thus, the sense of mental expansion felt during periods of intense focus while acquiring or applying knowledge, referred to commonly in pop culture as “the zone,” is actually a type of waking hypnoidal trance. This theory is put into practice as an explanation for the efficacy of some encounters over others in forming lasting imprints, and to effectively address events within the memory by accessing the remembered trance state during which they were formed or reinforced. There are other, less deliberate conditions capable of inducing a similar selective focus, even contributing to hypersuggestibility (one of the goals of most hypnotic trance). Applications of extreme emotion, positive or negative, or adrenaline are especially effective.

Fear and trauma are a prime combination, snapping the mind into ultra-constricted awareness and attention to specific aspects of the given situation. Personal testimony provided by survivors of terrible events often include comments about how some small feature, perhaps even counter-intuitively and difficult to consciously reconcile after-the-fact, takes on increased significance disproportionate to other factors (try searching the web for “I just remember,” quotes included). Beneath this conscious awareness, the sub-conscious performs similar singular attachment. The results of this extreme focus creates new triggers for the remembered trauma, and seemingly ordinary settings or items can reproduce the original emotional state and responses (one of the most disruptive conditions of flashbacks and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). The victim/subject of this experience will be unable to “let go” or become selectively unaware of the triggers, and the gut-wrenching realism of the recall causes enough distress as to interfere with daily living, as well as essentially reinforcing the response to the original stimuli in a self-perpetuating pattern.

Interestingly enough, the sub-conscious mind thinks it’s doing a favor by initiating and exercising these connections.

One of the primary duties of the sub-conscious is protection of mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing. Its perceptions of what constitutes a threat do not necessarily agree with conscious opinion of the same, hence the seeming irrationality of many phobias and some behavioral disorders. Methods used for protection from the evaluated threat can similarly be at odds, capable of producing responses which one would not otherwise agree with. My old hypnotherapy mentor’s materials included a case study of a woman in broadcasting who found herself suddenly unable to control her weight as she became more successful. All reasonable attempts at healthy diet and activity failed repeatedly, and the decline in her appearance began to interfere with that success (such is the business). Through therapy it came to light that years prior, during her communications schooling, she was informed by someone that she would “never get anywhere [in broadcasting] without sleeping with the right people.” It was meant as a word of caution based on genuine concern and poor information, but stuck in her mind all the same. As she garnered attention for her efforts years later, her sub-conscious equated the impending success with the potential exploitation of her closely-guarded sexuality and formed a barrier to that negative expectation by lowering her appeal; all without conscious involvement or awareness.

Traumatic conditioning is much the same: a minor queue such as smell, the time of day or impressions of light and shadow, certain sounds, in addition to any overt similarities, can queue the sub-conscious to begin a protective response. Focus becomes selective once again and emotions and hormones run high, informing the conscious mind and primal instinct that fight or flight may be immediately necessary for self preservation. The similarity in physical and emotional reaction is so dramatically familiar as to force the recall of the original sensitizing event, bringing on the rehearsal of a deeply ingrained episode literally programmed into the mind.

Case in point, I recently had a minor weather-related accident in my car. The path of least destruction to others and property led me to a trajectory which damaged my driver’s side C.V. axle and control arm, rendering the car undrivable and requiring extensive repair. I was not frightened or upset by the incident, though I did feel a little embarrassed for not judging the changing road conditions well enough and for the resulting financial setback. Once back behind the wheel, I found myself having moments of impending fear when decelerating for residential right turns: a startling, unbidden reflex out of sync with my (admittedly more cautious) thorough evaluation of the circumstances. It’s taken me the better part of two months to unwire that reflex, and if not paying close enough attention or relaxing my efforts can still feel the sub-conscious intent.

No wonder then that severe, genuine trauma is capable of providing such long-lasting ill effects on the life and mental health of the sufferer. In an attempt to shelter a person from an anticipated real or imagined horror, it is possible for them to be adversely subjected to the same ill-affects they’re trying to avoid. Due to the unintentional receptivity of the mind during the formation of the reflex, it’s able to take root at surprising depth: easily enacted, difficult to remove. Common therapies attempting to soften the reaction through dissociative objective analysis (re-experiencing some elements in a safer environment, removing the reality of danger whilst maintaining triggers) can help, but may not ever be able to truly eradicate it. Could therapeutic hypnoanalytical techniques provide a better solution by addressing the triggers themselves?

I have not used hypnosis to remove my slight aversion to right turns, yet – I didn’t think it disruptive enough to require such direct management. I also have not had opportunity to apply this to those suffering from any form of PTSD, though I’m intrigued by the potential. I’ll have to give it a try on myself and report back.

Older posts

Newer posts